I Deleted My Social Media Apps & You Should Too

First, I realize the hypocrisy of drawing you to this blog post by linking to it on my Facebook feed. The alternative was texting or messaging everyone like a fake boss asking for $150 in Apple gift cards. (If you know, you know. If you did it, I get it.) So until I can convince everyone to give me their email address voluntarily, I’ll have to use social media to publish these ramblings. What’s that, you want to give me your email so I can send out links to my new posts? GREAT, look for the SUBSCRIBE button here.

Now, let me climb back onto my soap box.

I sounded pretty confident in my last post about mom guilt but the reality is that these posts are more like mantras than truths for me. I write about things I’m still learning and trying to internalize, not things that I’ve mastered and know without a doubt. A couple weeks ago, I began to recognize that social media is the most formidable antagonist to every mantra I have.

One day in particular, Lucy and I had spent the day around the house. In the backyard repotting plants, on a bike ride through the neighborhood, and crafting a card for a friend. I felt in my element as a mom! We were vibing! Then I opened up Instagram and a friend (honestly more like acquaintance ) had taken their kid to the beach. My immediate thought wasn’t Wow what a beautiful day to go to the beach! or Looks like they had so much fun! My immediate thought was, Why didn’t I take Lucy to the beach? I should have taken Lucy to the beach.

For once, I had the clarity to stop myself and respond Huh? You had a great day, Liz! What’s your deal? as I slowly put down the phone. While I’ve been working on my thought processes, I realized I was still allowing behaviors that worked against them. Compulsively checking social media for mom influencer ideas and what friends are up to does NOT align with giving myself grace.

So here we are. Four weeks into having no social media apps on my phone. My accounts still exist, and I can log into them on my computer if I need to. The impact has been, and I’m not even kidding, astounding.

Here’s what I’ve noticed since I deleted Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter (forever refusing to call it X) from my phone:

• In the first week, I picked up my phone WAY too often to check for notifications or to unlock it even without a notification. My friend called it “ghost scrolling” like Instagram was a phantom limb.

• By week two, I started to leave my phone in other rooms and now lose it at least once a day.

• I’m actually reading all the email newsletters in my inbox and clicking through to read full articles. I forgot long-form, thoughtful content existed! I forgot how much I like reading about the details instead of being force-fed the summary by an account whose primary purpose is to grow, not inform.

• When I’m with Lucy, I rarely pick up my phone much less know where it is. When I’m with Liam, I bug him with annoying questions like “Would you still love me if I was an HDMI cord?” instead of spamming him with reels he’s probably already seen.

• Since I’m not sharing photos or updates on my Instagram stories, when I take a memorable photo, I actually text it to friends instead of just hoping they see it on Instagram. This has even been reciprocated, and I’m receiving more photos directly from the source than ever.

• I swear I have more time in my day. Logically, I know that I have just freed up 1-2 hours of time by not mindlessly scrolling Musk memes.

• Finally, Liam also deleted his social media apps. About two weeks in, after laughing until we cried about something stupid, we said to each other, “Do you feel more happy?” Yup. “Do you think it’s because we aren’t on social media?” Yup.

My attitude towards everything has improved. There’s some really simple science behind that. When you scroll through social media, your brain gets a hit of dopamine with each change in content. (Yes, this is the same rewards system that drugs use to flood your system with good vibes.) Your brain gets used to this hit and starts to prefer it. So the more you consume 30-second Reels, the less tolerant you become of longer, more in-depth content. Eventually, you hate reading full articles, and any video over 60 seconds feels endless. That’s not because it isn’t worth your time. That’s because your brain is seeking the easiest route to dopamine. This behavior and reward system then bleeds into other areas of your life, and expediency becomes your preference for everything. I didn’t realize how impatient I’d become with Lucy until I wasn’t anymore. (Well, okay, I’m not the pinnacle of patience now, but I’m improved.)

I thought I would miss so many things about social media apps. Researching local date spots, getting inspiration for toddler crafts, and tracking the day-to-day shenanigans of old friends in foreign places. Shockingly, I can do all those things in other ways, on my own time, when I have the mental capacity to initiate them. Social media is often a constant barrage of unwanted information. Just because the algorithm knows what you like doesn’t mean it knows what you want or when you need it.

Honestly, you might not need therapy. You might just need to delete the social media apps from your phone. If you try it, please let me know and text me some photos instead.

What To Do With That Mom Guilt

This week, I had breakfast with a psychiatrist who specializes in treating trauma and addiction. Her resume is impressive: she completed her medical residency at a top-five medical school and is involved in new research on emerging PTSD treatments. Every day, she helps people heal from and navigate worst-case situations. She’s brilliant, and even she has mom guilt.

Driving home, I laughed to myself about meeting another incredible woman and mom who debates her conscience about her decisions for her kid. It made me wonder if it’s always been this way or if information overload has made us this way. Before mom influencers, did moms wonder if they were doing enough seasonal crafts? Before Ballerina Farm, did moms feel guilty about hating to cook?

I tried to find some research…

Then I asked myself…does it matter? Does it matter if this is a new phenomenon? And do the answers to that inner monologue matter? What I mean is, if the answer is yes, I’m not doing enough, am I willing to change? Do I think I should? If the answer is don’t worry, you’re doing enough, then what?

Sometimes, questions and answers are just sentences with different punctuation. They aren’t indicators of deep issues. They aren’t cryptic analogies for words unsaid. They are simply thoughts that come and go. And sometimes, we need to treat them that way.

There’s a psychotherapy approach called acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and I’m realizing mom-guilt is a perfect candidate for its application. My mom-guilt exists no matter how hard I battle it. It persists no matter how much I do or don’t do as a mom. So maybe trying to eradicate or assuage the mom-guilt shouldn’t be my goal. Watching it move across my thoughts like a stock ticker might be a better solution.

If you’ve ever tried meditation, you know that it’s a practice of mindfulness. It requires being present with your body (I can do that) and quieting your thoughts (I cannot do that.) But I’ve learned over the years that there are a lot of different kinds of meditation, and quieting your thoughts isn’t as essential as accepting them. Our mind doesn’t run wild because we have thoughts. Our mind runs wild because we are constantly judging and battling those thoughts. What if you just observed the thoughts instead, as if you were watching someone else deliver them in a TED Talk? You can reply, “Thanks for that riveting speech, Liz. It was quite dramatic. I see you struggle with mom-guilt. That’s pretty common. It means you care. It’s also biological; we’re built to protect and nurture. It’s probably going to happen again. Now, let’s get back to what we were doing.” I’ve actually said these things to myself out loud before. It’s starting to help.

So, where do I put my mom-guilt? Nowhere. I leave it exactly where it is. I label it, thank it occasionally, and do my best to move on with the business of momming, because that’s hard enough.

6 Things I Learned in Grad School in 2024 that Everyone Should Know

How to read and interpret research.

I’ve read so many research papers this year. I’ve even read sassy rebuttals to research papers that are like watching an eloquent Twitter fight at a snail-mail pace. Research is fascinating, critical, and informative…but context matters. The sample size matters, the validity and reliability of the data matters, and the researchers’ notes at the end of how they think their study fell short matters. But that stuff is never published on social media or in news articles. It’s not in the two-sentence cliff notes your email newsletters send you. Understand the research limitations behind the “facts,” or at the very least, ensure you’re reading from or listening to people who do.

Professors actually like to just chat.

Despite what most people would assume about me, I was never a teacher’s pet. I’ve always been an A-student, but I was too shy to get the teacher’s attention long enough to become a pet. In college, I think I had one or two professors who would even remember my face, even though I took plenty of honors classes with tiny class sizes. I’d attend class when needed, get my grades, and GTFO. I honestly felt I was bothering or sucking up to the professors by asking questions that weren’t burning. Looking back, I think it was less about my professors and more about me; I didn’t care enough to know more about the subject matter, their careers, and their experiences. I feel very differently now. I’m proactively setting meetings with professors to learn why they became counselors and what they’ve learned since. I’ve been so pleasantly surprised at how willing they are to just chat. I realize how much I missed out on by not getting to know my educators better in undergrad. Maybe I would have actually used my finance degree instead of going into marketing, who knows?

We are paying for this degree, so we make the decisions.

I was extremely fortunate to have my parents’ help and student loans to pay for my undergraduate degree. This motivated me to finish in four years and start working. A classmate reminded me this year that grad school is very different. I chose this new career and this grad school program, and I’m paying the tuition. If I need to speed things up or slow things down to fit my professional or personal timeline, I can do that. While I don’t plan to do that now, knowing I can was a freeing realization. No one is checking to make sure I’m a licensed therapist by age 40. I set that timeline, and I can also change it.

Being a client is more draining than being a therapist.

Compassion fatigue is real. When therapists hear complicated, traumatic, and damaging stories over and over, it’s easy to feel more coldly numb than burned out. However, in going to therapy myself this year, I’d argue being a client is harder than being a therapist, and I hope to keep that perspective always. I wouldn’t pursue this career field if I didn’t believe people could change, but change is hard. And it takes relentless discussions, behavior changes, and uncomfortable introspection. Shout out to everyone in therapy who feels a little worse after each session but monumentally better after each month of sticking with it.

Your connection with a therapist matters more than their bio.

I’m not saying this as propaganda for me and my classmates, who will soon need clients to agree to take a chance on us as new therapists. This statement is backed up by tons and tons of research that says so many types of therapy and therapists are effective. The most common factor in successful treatment outcomes is the therapeutic relationship between counselor and client. The upside is that you don’t need to agonize over finding the perfect therapist with XYZ training. The downside is that you might have to go through a few counselors before finding one you vibe with. The point is that “vibing” with your therapist is the most critical factor to success in therapy. So, if you’re having a hard time finding a therapist, maybe you’re being too picky about their gender, age, certifications, etc., and you should call a couple to feel them out instead.

Not everyone needs therapy.

At least not in the traditional sense. We all need self-care, someone we can be vulnerable with, and someone to help us recognize patterns or behaviors that don’t serve us well. Therapists aren’t the only ones capable of that. Friends, siblings, parents, coworkers, spiritual leaders, pets, fitness instructors, etc., can all have therapeutic value in our lives. I love my therapist, but and some of my most significant breakthroughs this year were from discussions with friends. If therapy sounds awful, try self-help books, exercise, crafting, meditation, podcasts, girls' nights, etc., first. (No, watching recaps of these things on social media doesn’t count.) Just promise me if you still feel underwater or you still don’t feel like yourself, you’ll give traditional therapy a shot.

5 Things I Didn’t Expect About Studying to Become a Therapist

I need to have strong opinions (loosely held).

I assumed to be a good therapist you need to be like a clear shallow lake. People have to swim and exert effort to get to the other side, but they can see their feet, any dangers around them, and you show them their reflection on a calm day. I assumed we are just the space they wade through, slowing them down but keeping them upright on their path. The reality though, is that we aren’t just an environment, we are people swimming along, too. We have opinions, backgrounds, beliefs, and biases. We may believe people are driven by ego, or love, or God. We may believe people can change or people mostly stay the same. We may believe people are the product of their choices or the product of their environment. We may believe emotions, actions, or thoughts are superior. Regardless of what we believe, it’s important that we let it inform our work without letting it judge our clients. I didn’t realize that I can choose my theoretical orientation (the approach, techniques, and methods I use) based on how I view people. I didn’t expect to spend the first two semesters thinking so deeply about how I view the world and how I want that to inform my approach.  

This is an art, not a science. 

There is a lot of research out there on psychotherapy, from Freud’s free association to neuroscience approaches like EMDR. New scientific research continues to happen and get published. There are case studies, textbooks, and memoirs on what’s worked and hasn’t worked, but there will never be a ‘correct’ answer to, “How should I help this particular client?” In fact, the first thing about therapy is to believe in the client as the expert in their own life. What I think or want for them doesn’t necessarily matter, but I still have to be an active participant. It reminds me of those Reels going viral with couples doing a painting date night. They pass the easel back and forth, gradually adding to the painting, nudging each other toward ideas, hoping the final product can look intentional or at least beautiful.

I actually want to talk less now.

I naively thought these classes would mold me into the best podcast host ever; I’d have ALL the best questions that stump, inspire, and awe my clients into revelation. What I’ve actually found myself saying more and more in conversations is nothing at all. One class noted that “silence” is a psychotherapeutic technique and I choked on my Poppi. I’ve been filling silence with self-deprecating humor and optimism since my first word. To me, silence was just a hole to fill to knock out that row on Tetris. I won’t claim I’ve mastered silence in two semesters but I will say I’ve learned how others will fill the silence if I stop pretending I have to. I’ve learned that instead of getting my point in, I can let others keep talking and get way more out of the conversation than I would have by interjecting.

I’m interested in working with kids and the elderly.

I’ve said from the beginning that I think I want to be an Addiction Counselor and I want to work with adults. I’ve said I don’t think I could handle the emotional weight of working (or failing) with adolescents or teens. I’m rethinking that now as I learn how many adults could be adulting very differently had they had help earlier in life. I’m also learning that Older Adults (defined as ages 65+) have shown in studies to be the most receptive to therapy, and I like the idea of helping people feel good about reaching the finish line, without regretting starting the race in the first place. 

I’m in class and therapy at all times.

This should have been more obvious to me but please for a moment think about the most understanding, empathetic person you’ve ever met. Maybe it was a yoga teacher, a coworker, a wise grandparent, or just that one gem of a friend. I’m in classes filled with those people and taught by those people. A professor actually replied to a group project inquiry, “Y’all can absolutely do it that way, that sounds like it’ll be easiest for y’all.” Never have I ever had a teacher consider what would be easiest for me. These professors treat us like the adulting, working, parenting, career-in-transition, eager beavers that we are and support us like a confident parent. Don’t get me wrong, every week we have 3-4 assignments due and 100-150 pages of reading with group projects and long papers for every 8-week class, but it’s never felt like us versus them. I wish all grad programs were that way, but I’ve heard from others that they aren’t. Competition and posturing just aren’t a thing among this group, everyone’s too focused on helping people.

The Disneyland Review No One Asked For

We’re not theme park people, but after a rainy day at Disneyland in March, I feel like I understand theme park people a lot better.

Historically, I’ve had a hard time understanding how spending money to wait in line with hundreds of stressed adults and 3X that many wired kids could be fun. The Apple Store on Black Friday, teaching a toddler pottery class, gambling while blind - all things that sound more appealing to me than a week at Disney World.

I’d always say “I’m not judging, but…” when referring to Disney Parks lovers. Any time you have to clarify that you’re not judging, you absolutely are, and I was obviously judging. I wanted to tell them all the ways they could spend the same amount of money while experiencing the real world. And spend way less on food while doing it.

But my brother and his family came to visit us in Southern California for their kids’ Spring Break and we decided to do a day at Disneyland. And I’m shocked how glad I am that we did. It’s not like I’ll be buying an annual pass or going back with Lucy as a toddler (I’m not a complete masochist), but I understand the “magic” of Disney a little better and why it won’t be fading any time soon. As a marketer, I can also appreciate the hustle that creates such a solid brand experience throughout the park. Here’s why Disneyland is worth a day of your time. Give me a couple years before I feel the same about a week at Disney World, though. (Willing to hear arguments for/against, comments are open.)

Never have I ever been to a cleaner public space packed with people.
I was telling a friend how every building, sign and bench at Disneyland looked newly built and she told me (I’ve confirmed online) that certain parts of the park are repainted nearly every night so that every morning the features feel brand new to guests. I also couldn’t find a piece of trash on the ground if I tried. Custodians comb through the streets and walkways at all times at an impressive rate considering the volume of people. You never get the feeling you’re in a public dump like so many other venues where masses of sugared up tiny humans gather.

The employees actually seem to like their jobs.
So many retail, food service, and hourly workers I encounter these days fall into one of two categories. They are doing the job because it’s their best option at the moment OR they are doing the job because it’s their only option at the moment. Few are working those jobs because it’s their preferred option - and that plays into how they feel and act at work every day. I don’t know what employees at Disney get paid, but their attitudes make you think it’s quite a lot. They seem genuinely happy to be there, endlessly patient with the exhausted adults and relentless kids, and overall content to be a part of the magic. Maybe it’s the costumes they get to wear every day? It reminds me of how pumped you’d be as a kid if you got to wear a costume to school. Maybe Congress would do their job better if they could wear costumes more often?

The people watching was worth the cost of entry.
In addition to my 5- and 9-year old niece and nephew we had our 9-month old with us at Disneyland. She obviously couldn’t ride anything, so my husband and I alternated going on rides with the older kids and hanging with the baby. I enjoyed both activities equally because the baby had unlimited things to look and awe at, and so did I. It felt like 100 documentaries were unfolding before my eyes at any given moment. How to parent, how not to grandparent, the behavior of triplets in 30 minute lines, the fastest churro eater in the world, why some kids are scared of teacups, the positions kids can sleep in at their most tired, the matching clothing choices, the shamelessness of parent influencers…I could go on. If I were Disneyland I would definitely list “People Watching” as one of the intangible experiences delivered every day.

The best part had no lines.
My favorite part of the day? The character parade. I love me some Broadway musicals and I love me some Disney/Pixar movies. Combine them both and have them sing and dance their way down the street in front of me while I sit and enjoy an exceptionally large lollipop? Sold. Every human watching that parade, no matter their age, felt like a kid experiencing a cupcake for the first time. Seeing kids dressed like their favorite Disney princess and getting kisses blown to them by that princess in the parade? It doesn’t get much more magical than that.

They’ve thought of everything you didn’t.
Tickets to Disneyland are not cheap. So you try to think of every way to maximize your time there and get your money’s worth. But a lot of the value is in the things you didn’t anticipate, like the clean streets and the people watching, and for me, finding an alternative to breastfeeding in the rain. I’m comfortable breastfeeding in public, but there was a drizzle the first half of our day at Disneyland. So I opened up the Disney app and searched for a nursing room. Instead, I found a free Baby Center complete with the world’s nicest changing tables, a nursing room, a small kitchen with bottle warmers and formula, toddler toilets, high chairs for solid food feeding, and the sweetest older women working there who cooed after every baby that came in. Disney has had many years and lots of revenue to anticipate every need a family could have throughout the day, and they really try to meet them all.

Maybe waiting in lines isn’t the worst thing in life.
I’d rather go hiking than to a theme park for so many reasons: cost, exercise, scenery, cost. But I was surprised that one of my favorite things about hiking and camping can also happen at Disneyland. While hiking, it’s hard to be on a device, you have to watch your step and as the scenery changes you’re trying to take it all in. So you end up chatting a lot - about anything and everything that comes to mind, big and small. I’ve had the silliest and the deepest conversations with friends while hiking or sitting around a campfire with no cell service. The lines at Disneyland present a similar opportunity if you put your phone away and let them. Maybe helping kids experience patience in anticipation for something they really want isn’t the worst thing. Maybe striking up conversation with your 9-year old nephew about how he accidentally went on a rollercoaster will hilariously fill the time spent waiting. Maybe at the end of the day you only ride 5-7 rides but you got to talk to your kid a whole lot more than when they are locked in on their iPads.

I won’t be a Disney vacation planner anytime soon, but I thought this brain dump may help anyone else who is avoiding Disneyland and maybe should give it a shot. Like everything in life, it’s what you make it, and the park gives you ample opportunities to make it a great experience if you choose to.

New Parents: Labor & Delivery is Not Motherhood

Lucy and I spent the month of November in Texas with my parents to make the final days of Liam’s military deployment go by faster. Family and friends from across Texas traveled to see us and meet Lucy. We were spoiled 100% of the days.

One of those days, my mom asked me, “Where are your bracelets?” I’ve been wearing three gold and silver bracelets since 2009. My mom has matching versions of two of the bracelets. I’d only ever taken them off when absolutely required, and I’d promptly put them back on. I responded to Mom’s question with a quick lie about “taking them off to clean them and forgetting to put them back on before Lucy and I flew to Texas.” Then about an hour later, after processing my lie, I confessed that I hadn’t worn them since June 29th, the day I arrived at the hospital in labor with Lucy.

The truth was, the bracelets were still in the bag I’d taken to the hospital, in the pocket Liam had put them in when the labor and delivery nurse requested I remove them. I’d left the bracelets in that pocket for nearly five months. I knew they were there. Every time my wrist felt naked, I’d think, “I need to get my bracelets and put them back on.” Then I’d think about Lucy’s birth and quickly distract myself with something else. I never made it to the bag to get the bracelets.

What I felt, but hadn’t really processed until my mom asked about the bracelets, was that those three small, precious metal chains reminded me of 42 hours of labor followed by a long, traumatic C section. I didn’t blame the bracelets, I blamed the lack of bracelets. The one time I took the bracelets off for more than a couple of hours led to the two hardest days of my life thus far. It was easier to be mad at a silly hospital “no jewelry” policy than to be mad about all the other parts of Lucy’s birth I didn’t understand.

If you’re giving birth soon, or if you’ve recently given birth, I’m writing to tell you something that took me about five months to figure out. Labor and delivery is NOT motherhood. It’s a stage of motherhood, and you get to decide if it’s a defining one.

You mamas who gave birth at home squatting in an inflatable pool like the absolute Amazons that you are, may consider labor and delivery the most important stage of your motherhood experience. You probably have a very vivid memory of your body’s strength and miraculous endurance. You should be so proud of that and you should write 100 blog posts about it because goddamn. You’re incredible. But those of us who had an experience we’d rather forget, need to know that we’re incredible, too. The end result was the same. We created life.

The best part about women who have had a traumatic birth experience is that they won’t tell you about it because they don’t want to relive it and they don’t want to scare any future parents. EVERY birth story is different. Even parents with multiple kids have wildly different birth experiences per kid. So just because one birth experience is terrible, doesn’t mean yours will be. But the worst part about women who have had traumatic birth experiences is that they won’t tell you about it, so when you go through it yourself, it can feel really really lonely.

But like Brene Brown has told us over and over again, connection starts with vulnerability and as soon as I was brave enough to say, “Lucy’s birth sucked. She came out fine and incredibly healthy, and I’m beyond grateful for that, but I had an awful experience that I’m still working through mentally,” other women started sharing their stories with me. All of a sudden I felt less weak, less angry, and less alone. Most importantly though, I realized that labor and delivery was just one stage of my motherhood experience. It didn’t set the stage. I was still the strong, powerful female figure I wanted to be for Lucy, even if her birth made me feel the opposite.

I’m not going to detail out Lucy’s birth for you here. Partly because I don’t want to scare anyone and partly because I really hate conjuring up the memory. I’m choosing to remember the part where I held her for the first time, and I’m choosing to forget that it was hours after she was born and my arms were numb. I will, however, commiserate with anyone who wants to swap stories one-on-one and I will remind them (because it helps me remind myself) that a birth story is just that — a story. And a story only has the power that the storyteller grants it.

When Liam returned home from his deployment in mid-December, I told him about the bracelet conversation with Mom. The next day while I was feeding Lucy he quietly fetched the bracelets out of the hospital bag and put them on my nightstand. That night I slowly put them back on and noted that they looked the exact same on my wrist as they looked before June 29th.

New Parents: Advice for Partners & Spouses

There was a very specific moment that made me decide to see a psychologist postpartum.

It wasn’t while laying in the fetal position (yes, I realize the irony) on the living room floor, even though that happened. It wasn’t when Lucy and I were pacing up and down the hallway at 2am crying hysterically at each other, even though that happened. It wasn’t when someone asked “Don’t you just love every minute?” And I thought, I kind of don’t love any minutes. Even though that happened.

I decided to see a psychologist when my husband said to me, “I’m worried about you. I love this baby, but I loved you first. You will always come first and I need you to care more about yourself right now. I can handle taking care of our daughter while you do that.”

*Cue the flight attendants “put your mask on first” speech.

In my first session with the psychologist, they asked how things were going with my spouse and how our new roles as co-parents were fitting. I told him the only decision in my life I wasn’t currently questioning was whether a better partner existed. I told him my spouse was the one who encouraged me to make this appointment.

He said bluntly, “Wow. That’s not usually what I hear in here. Usually that’s the biggest problem new moms face, communicating with their spouse. We usually spend the whole first session talking about that.”

Look at me, I thought, stumping the therapist.

I felt simultaneously proud for marrying Liam and awful for being depressed while having such a phenomenal partner. But depression doesn’t ask you all the things you’re grateful for before it magnifies everything going wrong.

The next feeling I had was extreme sadness for all the new moms this psychologist talked to who had seemingly shitty partners; or maybe just overwhelmed and unprepared partners; or maybe just partners doing their best but it wasn’t quite enough.

So while I’d love to say this post is just a big ol’ brag on my husband, it’s also to provide advice to partners of new moms. Because you, the partners, can make not just a big difference but THE big difference postpartum.

Think ahead.
I used to plan events for thousands of people. Attention to detail and being overly prepared for every possible scenario was my job. Then I had a baby and it felt like I couldn’t think past the next five minutes, the next feeding or the next diaper change. I would add “the next nap,” but Lucy doesn’t have many of those. Not only was it really hard for me to think ahead, but I also beat myself up daily for the fact that I couldn’t. Luckily, Liam recognized this and would think ahead for me. He’d pay attention to how many swaddles were clean, if we were running low on diapers, if I needed a refill soon of my post-surgery medication. When he saw I wasn’t eating enough he stocked up on healthy snacks from Costco and put them in a cabinet he moved right next to where I often fed Lucy so I could grab them easily. He was figuring out dinner before I remembered to ask what we should do for dinner.

Remind them what their body has done.
Postpartum, it’s hard to not think about how beat up your body is. The pain and fatigue remind you every second. Combine that with entering the 10th month of your clothes not fitting how they used to and you get a mom who is actively avoiding getting dressed and mirrors. Next time a new mom tells you they feel out of shape, remind them that their body just went through the hardest, most miraculous, most impressive process it will ever go through. Remind her that she CREATED A HUMAN, like, FROM SCRATCH. And because of that it’s the most incredible, beautiful body you’ve ever seen. We celebrate women who “bounce back” more than we should - let’s celebrate the fact that they spent nine months creating life and that’s a way bigger deal.

Remember this is a 60/60 commitment no matter who has the “professional” job.
When Liam and I went to pre-marital counseling with the pastor who would marry us, he gave us a really great piece of advice that he said had a huge impact on his own marriage. He said: “Don’t look at marriage as a 50/50 equal partnership. Instead, look at it as 60/60. If you’re both trying to give MORE than your fair share to the relationship every day then you’ll always have an abundance of support and commitment.” If you’re not already doing this, you better figure it out postpartum because no matter who is working the traditional job this baby is equally BOTH of your jobs. Even if one of you plans to stay at home. The parent who stays at home doesn’t get to clock in and out at 8am and 5pm, so neither does the working-outside-the-home parent. If you’re going to keep score, then technically the non-birthing parent should do their day job AND care for the baby for 9 months to even things up. :)

Make sure they talk to someone other than just you.
Even if you’re lucky to have a relationship like I do where you share nearly everything in your head, a new mom will still need someone else to talk to postpartum. Not because their partner isn’t understanding or supportive enough, but because the irrational mom guilt prevents us from sharing some of the thoughts which eat us alive. I can’t recommend an objective third-party like a psychologist enough. I honestly believe it should be required/included to see one for every new mom postpartum. Even if they just use it as a good 45 minute dedicated cry session like I did. It feels good and professionals can handle the weight of your tears and your fears when you don’t want to add them your partner’s barbell. (That analogy is for you, Liam.)

Allow them to say, “This sucks.”
As a new mom it feels incredible selfish and ungrateful to say, “This really sucks.” But it does sometimes - much like many other paths we choose in life. Just because we chose it doesn’t mean it’s enjoyable 100% of the time. Liam was really good about buffering for me when someone would ask “Are you just loving the baby snuggles?” He’d chime in with a snarky reply like, “During the 10 minutes a day she’s not crying? Yes, absolutely.” I was always grateful because it felt like he could joke about that without judgement easier than I could. He gave me permission to tell him how much things suck sometimes, and never reminded me that I “Chose this” or that “This is just what being a mom is.” Another coping mechanism he started was coming up with hilarious nicknames for our baby to get out our frustration. For her first six weeks, Lucy was often referred to as Lucyfer, Velucyraptor, Big Dumb Baby, Cute Little Idiot, Angry Elf, and Gremlin. We treated her with love and even said these names with affection, but it always made us laugh to have an inside joke we could tell her about when she was 18.

Take candid photos and videos.
New moms tend to be the ones behind the camera, or the ones avoiding the camera. Capture photos and videos of them that they’ll cherish some day, even if they tell you “I look awful" in the moment. Also you insisting on capturing photo/video silently signals to them that you never believe they could look awful.

Be the tie breaker between expectations and reality.
Whether it’s breast-fed versus formula-fed or scheduled naps versus sleeping for survival, be the tie breaker between what the mom feels like she should do and what’s best for her sanity. Liam never pressured me to figure out breastfeeding or to sleep train but he did reassure me that he supported every decision I made, unless it was a masochistic one. If he saw me sacrificing my own sanity he’d step in and say, “Hey, Lucy’s college applications won’t ask if she was breastfed or formula-fed so just do what’s best for you.”

I hope this is more helpful than preachy. Liam and I still struggle with a lot of things as new parents but we never argued with each other about roles, responsibilities, or support. And I wish that for more new parents.

New Parents: Find Beauty in the Boredom

Every new mom is laughing maniacally at this post title, internally screaming, “BOREDOM?! HOW COULD I POSSIBLY BE BORED? I’D LOVE TO BE BORED!” 

Stick with me. 

Boredom is defined as:
“Feeling weary because one is unoccupied or lacks interest in one's current activity.”

I don’t mean boredom as in nothing to do. I mean boredom as in your baby hates napping (they should be friends with my baby) and you’ve been watching them roll around on a mat for nearly four hours today. As a workaholic who, since I was 15, has always had a job and since I was 22 has always worked at least 50 hours a week, I began to feel so unproductive. I’ve kept a helpless human alive for nearly four months but somehow was telling myself I wasn’t doing enough “productive things” during the day. 

But I didn’t really have a solution, it was near impossible to get on my laptop while she was awake and I couldn’t start a new Pinterest-worthy hobby with 15 minute windows. When she did nap, I wanted to nap, too, or shower, or mow the lawn or do the laundry or EAT occasionally. So I did what we all do when we can’t find a solution - try to forget the problem by scrolling through Netflix and Instagram. 

Then one day, Lucy was laying on my bed and I had opened the curtains and she was moving her hands in the air as if playing with a stream of water. I looked more closely and realized that the rising sun had sent a beam of light right over her and she was running her hands through it. I’ll never forget that moment. Teary eyed, I watched her, thinking how simple and how magical that moment was. She was enthralled by sunlight. 

The next day, I was watching Shameless on Netflix (basically Baby Einstein, right?) and she was sitting in her bouncer chair and I noticed her staring at her fist, as if it was staring back. She moved it slightly right and slightly left, following it with her eyes, realizing that this pesky appendage that often got in her way was attached to HER body. I could see her brain making the connection and her growing excitement at realizing the possibilities. “So you’re saying, if this is attached to me, then I can control it and I can put it in my mouth whenever I want?!”

Those two small events made me realize a few pretty big things:

She’s developing so fast at this age and I’m BEYOND lucky to be home and take time off from my business to watch it. I worked my butt off during pregnancy and my husband continues to work his butt off so that I can have this time with her, it’s not unproductive or less valuable time. 

If every time I get the urge to turn on the TV or open a social media app on my phone, I tell myself to wait just ten more minutes, the day ends up going by quicker because I’m not missing a single adorable thing she’s doing and learning. 

After watching her experience sunlight, I started looking at sunlight differently. I’m appreciating a lot of small things after watching this baby awestruck by them. My favorite thing this week is that any fabric she comes into contact with she rubs over and over again with her finger tips to feel the texture. 

Lastly, watching her do new things makes me grab my phone and FaceTime a family member or friend to show them. I realized how much more these calls have helped me with the loneliness and boredom than watching everyone’s lives on social media or reality TV ever could. 

Stay bored, friends. Find the beauty in the boredom. 

New Moms: Do Things Over & Over Again Until You Feel Crazy

(This is Part 2 of what I’m learning as a new mom. You can check out Part 1 here.)

My father in law joked, “What’s that saying? Madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?” Welp, I’m learning madness is a core competency of parenting. 

In the early days of mom-ing I would lament over every thing she refused. 

“She doesn’t like that swaddle.”
“She hates the swing, why did we get it.”
“She’s never going to like the baby carrier.”

Until the random day she’d do a complete 180 on whatever she refused before. 

The swaddle she hated for the first couple weeks became her favorite for almost two months. 
The swing we couldn’t put her in for a week, she still naps in every day (blah blah blah sleep training, I’m single parenting over here while my husband’s deployed I do what I must.)
The baby carriers, of which I bought three different kinds, she will sleep like a baby in under the right circumstances. 

My mom gave me the mantra I’ve lived off of since Lucy’s first month: “She doesn’t know what she wants any better than you do, you’ll figure it out together.”

We go for an hour walk every morning with our dog, mainly because it keeps our endless-energy dog sane and I get a chance to listen to my audiobooks. I also firmly believe the day we stop walking the dog will be the day she starts resenting Lucy. Right now, Lucy sleeps almost the entire walk. It took us nearly three months to get to that point - we iterated on everything from how to dress her for walks, blanket or no blanket, fan or no fan, noise machine or no noise machine, sun shade or no sun shade, sidewalk or street. I’ve been doing marketing for 12 years and I’ve never split tested as much as I have with this baby. 

What I’ve learned, that I didn’t read in any baby books, is that babies are finicky, ADHD little creatures that change their mind by the minute. Wouldn’t you if you were literally encountering EVERYTHING for the first time? If you had to choose between books or teething toys or walks or naps or the boob or watching the dog’s tail wag or playing with sunlight in your hands in this brand new world you’ve been dumped (or in Lucy’s case surgically removed) into? I have a hard time finishing a 60 second video on instagram, and I expect this baby to make up her mind about what she likes in her first month of life? 

At first, Lucy’s change of heart on nearly everything all the time made me so frustrated. I wanted walks to put her to sleep every time or I wanted her to giggle at the Roku screensaver every time, but alas, her synapses are changing faster than her diapers. When I started looking at this as a pretty amazing thing, I started giving her (a little) more grace. I began noticing how her development was affecting her changes in preferences and it makes everything a little more magical. It also helped me to not write things off quickly, just because she won’t let you put that drool bib on her today doesn’t mean tomorrow she won’t wear it and spew on it like its her proudest accomplishment. 

A very frustrating thing about babies is they are constantly changing their mind. A very wonderful thing about babies is that they are constantly changing their mind.  No matter how futile an effort may seem, if it’s important to you, or good for your baby, keep at it. One day they’ll surprise you. 

New Moms: Stop Writing Everyone Else’s Breastfeeding Story in Your Head

One of the best pieces of advice I received while pregnant and asking around about baby books was essentially:

“Don’t read too many. They will make you go crazy with comparison. Instead of living in the moment and learning your unique kid, you’ll live in the “should” and stress about the differences between your baby and this non-existent dream child portrayed in the books.”

I noticed that with the few books I did read, each example they gave highlighted a different baby. Not even the authors could find one baby who checked all their boxes.

So I ran with that advice - any excuse for this fiction lover to avoid reading non-fiction books (and the worst kind of non-fiction, “advice” non-fiction).

Three months into having this adorable and demanding cherub, there are a few things that would have been helpful to me to read during pregnancy. I ended up learning these things through painful practice or word of mouth. So this is my way of paying it forward, in the form of something much shorter than a nonfiction book. 

There will be no advice on sleep schedules, pacifiers or nutrition in here - I’m trying to be helpful not controversial. Happy to share my thoughts on those privately but I also believe you can only figure out some things on your own. You have to get comfortable making unilateral decisions for your kid that no one else has to agree with. 

So here we go, first:

Don’t Write Other Moms’ Breastfeeding Stories in Your Head

I struggled big time with breastfeeding. I was desperate to understand why, despite having a good milk supply, I couldn’t push through the pain. I’ll never forget the day my baby started choking on my letdown and her mouth was full of blood from my massacred nipples.

“Just keep at it!” People would say. After six weeks of nothing changing I cried to my husband, “Am I the ONLY weakling mom who can’t push through bloody, oozing nipples? Everyone else really just got okay with crying every time they fed their baby?” I couldn’t even wrap a towel around my chest without wincing. I started to believe I was just weaker than every other breastfeeding mom I knew. That’s a bleak mindset, but I accepted it and reached out to those moms for motivation, to try to understand how and why they were so much stronger than me. 

What I found instead was that nearly every mom I know that breastfed struggled IMMENSELY with something and had (or still has) a significant amount of mom guilt about it. 

One who is successfully breastfeeding her twins now, was unable to breastfeed her previous two children. Before I knew that, the story I had told myself was: She breastfed four babies easily so why can’t I?

Another mom got a tongue tie release procedure done in the first week of her baby’s life and breastfeeding was a breeze after that, but only after that. Not knowing about the procedure, the story I had told myself was: Her nipples were only sore for a week, why are mine this bad after a month? My body must be weaker. 

Another mom I thought was breastfeeding easily had to supplement with formula starting at two months due to supply issues. Assuming she exclusively breastfed, the story I had told myself was: Her baby sleeps better than mine because she breastfeeds 24/7 I need to do that, too. 

Another mom had no supply or pain issues but just hated breastfeeding. She wanted to know exactly how much food her baby was getting, she dreaded breastfeeding in public and she didn’t want to wear bras with a stupid little clasp anymore. Assuming she was living in breastfeeding bliss, the story I had told myself was, She’s doing everything right, she must love that bonding time with her baby.

What am I getting at? When we put pressure on ourselves to be an effortlessly natural new mom we create these stories in our head of all these other moms we need to keep up with. 1) The only person you need to keep up with is your baby. 2) The most natural part of being a new mom is the struggle.

Here’s my story: Breastfeeding was so painful I had to stop by week three and pump/bottle feed to try to let my nipples heal. When they didn’t heal, I pushed through the pain to breastfeed just at night and bottle feed during the day. Our baby rarely slept and I was convinced it was because I was failing at my duty to feed and console her. I finally got a pediatric dentist consult after 6 weeks to find that Lucy had a significant tongue and lip tie which is why her gums/hard palate were relentless on my nipples and preventing her from latching properly. After 8 weeks, three sessions with a lactation consultant and the tongue/lip tie release procedure, we were able to breastfeed 24/7. Hooray! Right? Well, kinda. I had been pumping too much so now my letdown fire hosed her for weeks until my supply regulated. Once it did regulate, she started refusing bottles and pacifiers she’d taken since her second week of life. She’s still refusing bottles, so that’ll be the next hill to climb. Just because I can finally breastfeed comfortably in public with no pain and no shame doesn’t mean we’ve got it all figured out. 

I’m learning that “pushing through” breastfeeding usually involves way more than just a mindset change, sometimes it’s a dental procedure, your baby growing a little, your body healing a little, etc. etc. None of which are entirely in your control, so quit beating yourself up like they are. It’s also okay to pick your battles and say “F*ck this” and switch to bottles and formula so you can focus your energy elsewhere. Remember: your kid will never have to put on their resume how they were fed as a baby.

Other moms may not share every detail of what “pushing through” looked like for them - so don’t fill in the blanks on your own. Instead, share your unfiltered journey next time a new mom asks. Or subtly write a blog post they can read on their own time…

On Transparency in Hiring, Firing & Furloughing

This week I received an email from someone looking for marketing help. First she texted, asked if I was interested to learn more, I said absolutely, and so she sent an email detailing her current business and goals moving forward. 

What she also included in the email was a detailed rundown of her business model, including her fixed costs, variable costs, revenue and where she wants to be doing better. 

Let me repeat that. Someone asking for my help, asking me to put together a consulting proposal and pricing for helping, laid out all her financials for me. 

There wasn’t any cryptic messaging about “tight budget” or “not sure what you charge friends.” Just numbers and honesty.

And my first thought was, This. This is how it should work. 

We shouldn’t need hours of TED talks on how to negotiate our worth. Or articles on how to valuate a potential employer’s company when they won’t tell you what they spend money on. If we want to work together - we should trust each other with the critical information necessary to make the best decision on working together. We should be transparent. 

Public companies publish their financials frequently. Funded companies have to discuss theirs with investors often and openly. But there are so many small and medium businesses living in the gray area - convincing employees and consultants to work for them for less than they’re worth, without helping them understand why.

If you’re an employer, and you’re having to furlough employees or hire employees during or after this COVID madness, tell them why. And how you’re going to change how you do things moving forward. Even if that means admitting your mistakes. Remember employees are humans too, and they understand mistakes, and pandemics. They understand that not every CEO (okay, many) are not financial wizards - and instead are really brilliant visionaries who may not have prepared financially for this mess. Did any of us, really?

If you’re an employee, quit accepting “because you’ll learn so much here” as a reason to accept half of what you’re worth. (And for God’s sake quit working for free. An “intern” title is no excuse.) Make the employer sell it to you, ask for their budget and revenue numbers. Ask where they’re struggling and how your position is funded. Whether they give you numbers or not, the way they respond will be telling. 

Imagine how much more loyal employees would be if they went into a tough situation with open eyes. Imagine if employees were empowered to help you through financial situations instead of being victims to it. Imagine if prospective employees demanded either transparency or more pay, that might accelerate the honesty. I believe if you lay it all out there, the right people will work for you anyways. 

When Your Husband Gets His Phone Taken Away for Three Weeks...You Write

I grew up shopping at the Commissary, at the BX, and begging mom to let us go to the base Burger King on special occasions (Betty, thankfully, is a health nut.) I never saw my dad leave the house in a suit - instead he left in what my friends famously called his “green onesie.” A strange get up for those who don’t get it - but a pretty cool get up for those who know it meant he was a pilot. An A-10, T-36, and F-16 pilot, at that.

I still remember the first time I went to a hospital in college, without my military healthcare insurance, and couldn’t understand why I had to go somewhere else to pick up my prescription AND pay for it. Military hospitals always had the pharmacy in-house, and you never once needed your credit card.

Growing up, we didn’t go to State Fairs, and mom didn’t trust carnivals much, but we did go watch the Blue Angels and the Thunderbirds at Air Shows, every time they were in town. I remember the first time I saw the Stealth Bomber up close and personal, while the pilot closely guarded the door, letting no one in to see how it flew. Maybe spending all that time on flight lines is why I love airports so much.

I watched my dad speak at the Pentagon, at American cemeteries in France, on TV and quietly to my mom before he left for months or years at a time. I remember when he was stationed in Korea for a year, one morning about six months in, I woke up and found him in our kitchen, home to surprise us for his one allotted visit.

My childhood prepared me for so many things - new cities, new friends, loneliness, awkward goodbyes, the knowledge that time and distance don’t have to impact relationships. It showed me the value of having only a few constants that you depend on - your family, yourself - and not clinging to the rest too hard.

But right now, I’m just praying it prepared me to be a military spouse. Everyone keeps saying “Oh, you know the drill, you’ll be great!” - but my mom was superwoman, and she got me through the thick of most things as a military brat - hopefully she’ll let me borrow her cape.

Liam is two weeks in at OCS in Virginia. No we don’t have a five year plan, let alone a one year plan. It’s 2019, and we don’t have kids, and I have a career and we’re figuring this out as we go. But man, do I love the idea of more Air Shows, and never having to go to a CVS pharmacy again.

We hosted, and I MC’d, a Veterans in Tech Summit last week in Dallas - we had as many females in the room as males. And every speaker and organizer spoke of how they are supporting spouses as well as active duty and veterans. There are more ways than ever for spouses now to have careers AND families AND actively support their service member - and I’m motivated to be a case study for it.

Stay tuned, I’ll let you know how it goes.

Read This if You're Planning Your Own Wedding - Part 2

I started a new job in early May. And every waking moment of brainpower has been dedicated to learning the past, present and people that make my new company what it is. But I finally started reading again about two weeks ago (Ann Patchett’s State of Wonder, please read it) and that always reminds me how much I miss writing so here I am. It’s time to wrap up these wedding tips for my bride friends out there still agonizing over which shade of blush the roses should be. Let’s get straight into it…

Brandi Allyse Photo

Don’t depend on photographs.* But let me first say that our photographer was nothing short of a genie-in-a-lamp-level miracle worker. There’s not a single photo I can think of that she didn’t get. Still, the photos will never do the night justice - and that’s how it should be. If your focus is on what’s captured in a photo - it won’t be on what’s happening right in front of you. The power of photos is what they remind you of, the feelings they conjure - and if they just remind you of yelling at your photographer or mom to get the perfect shot of you and your spouse kissing - those photos won’t remind you of the magic of kissing your spouse on your wedding night.

*That being said, for the love of YouTube, get someone to record the speeches. Even if it’s just a cousin with an iPhone. My brother’s speech could have gone viral and I will never forgive myself for not having a copy of it. After the most brilliantly funny and heartfelt roast of my husband, he ended it with, “I give you permission to breed aggressively.” (“Whoa, everyone calm down, I didn’t say ‘aggressively breed’ - there’s a difference.”)

Brandi Allyse Photo

Build the day-of schedule as you go. In the event planning business, we start early on with a document (in our case, a spreadsheet) called the “Run of Show” (ROS). It breaks down, to the minute, what needs to happen to prepare, execute and wrap-up an event. The worst time to put together a ROS is in the weeks prior to the event - when you’re trying to piece together the details you’ve been planning for a year. The best time to put together the ROS is as you’re planning, as you remember that you need your cousin to bring that strobe light, and you need to ask a friend to pick up the donuts. This also ensures your vision for the day is documented - and someone else can execute it while you get ready for the best day of your life.

Brandi Allyse Photo

Make your gifts personal. You typically don’t get your 7 best friends the same birthday gift. They are (hopefully) very different people, with different tastes and personalities. Their gifts can be, too. Or they can be similar, but include something personalized so you recognize them as the individual that they are, who helped build you into the individual that you are. This doesn’t require a lot of money either. Your parents don’t need expensive gifts - in fact, if they’re helping you pay for the wedding, they may be skeptical of them, wondering why that money couldn’t just go towards the DJ. Hand-written notes, photos or song lyrics that capture big memories, even a t-shirt from the place your dad used to take you on daddy/daughter dates. Get people gifts that matter, even if they cost $5.

Brandi Allyse Photo

On the day of, do what calms you down. A couple of my bridesmaids were pretty frustrated with me on the day of the wedding. Not because I told them how to do their hair or what color to paint their nails - but because I was running around decorating for the reception. I finally took a deep breadth and told them, “Listen. This makes me happy. Planning and executing makes me happy and makes me feel in the zone. If I go sit in that bridal lounge and drink champagne for the next three hours I’ll be a wreck. Let me do this, it’s how I stay calm.” Yoga, running, mimosas, reading, blogging, playing a board game - whatever calms you down, and makes you feel like you’re in your best zone - do that on the morning of your wedding. And don’t worry about if other people don’t get it. Just because they wouldn’t work out on their wedding day, doesn’t mean that’s a rule that applies to you. As my husband always says, “Nothing new on game day.”

Read This if You're Planning Your Own Wedding - Part 1

If you’re like me and either plan events for a living or simply have too many opinions to let someone else plan a very personal one for you - you’re a DIY Bride, planning your own wedding. I hope you’re also like me in that you have a rock star mom, or friend or other family member who’s going to help execute (or veto) your grand ideas. (e.g. Break the news to you that puppies instead of bouquets are not actually a great option.)

There were many times during wedding planning that I was incredibly grateful for my experience with corporate events and often wondered what other people, without that experience, or without a paid wedding planner, might have done in that situation. (e.g. Venue contracts, yikes.) There were also many times that I learned a lesson the hard way, having never read about a similar issue in all my wedding research, and would like to save others the trouble.

So here are a few tips for those brides planning their own wedding. Hopefully these save you a few headaches and awkward conversations with the in-laws:

1) Before you start planning, ask the main stakeholders if they have any dealbreakers. Before you get knee deep in bowtie fabric and candle heights, make sure you ask your significant other and anyone else who is contributing large amounts of time or money to help you pull this wedding off: “Is there anything really important to you that you do or don’t want at this wedding?” Then talk it out. I was surprised to learn that my fiancé’s only stipulation was “Absolutely NO Bon Jovi at the reception.” (Wish I was kidding, the Glee nerd inside me died a little but she still married him.) I was also surprised to learn my mom was NOT expecting us to have the wedding in a Catholic Church, even though I had worked myself up for weeks about how to break the news to her. Don’t make assumptions - just ask. Early and directly. And if you get an unexpected, negative response, you’ve asked early enough to do some research and soul searching and show your mom why even though she ONLY wants a band, it’s not the best choice due to band travel and booking prices on New Years Eve.

Photo by: Brandi Allyse
Dance moves: Big Stakeholder Mom

2) Beware of Pinterest. After you’ve made decisions, that is. Once you’ve bought your dress? Delete your dress board, and consider unfollowing other bridal boutiques on social media. Once you’ve decided on colors and theme and invested money in half of the decor, don’t taunt yourself by perusing your 2nd and 3rd place color palettes. Trust your gut - you made an awesome decision and it’s time to go with it. Man, I know Pinterest is a godsend for wedding planning but I also envy brides who didn’t have social media overload while planning pre-2000s.

Photo by: Brandi Allyse
Escort Cards by: Kara Anne + Co

3) If you can buy it, you can also sell it. Assuming a drunk groomsman didn’t break it during the reception, if you bought an acrylic sign frame (below), hundreds of silver and gold candle holders, and more clocks than the set of Alice and Wonderful, there are ways to get rid of them after the wedding without losing all your money. Your florist may be interested in buying decor from you, other decor rental companies, other brides, etc. There were two big purchases I made that I secured a buyer for before I even bought them. Remember you’re not the only one planning a silver and gold party in 2019.

Photo by: Brandi Allyse
Welcome Sign by: Kara Anne + Co
Frame from Etsy

4) Let your nerd out. Some wedding magazines would have you think that your wedding should be perfectly shiny, ruffled and hued. But the weddings I remember most, are the ones that had Harry Potter wands passed around the dance floor, and Star Wars cakes, and a terrible song that only the bride and groom jammed out to. People don’t want to go to another wedding - they want to go to YOUR wedding. Because they love YOU. And all your quirks. Let them out - celebrate the quirks that brought you together. Trust me, they will photograph even better than looking like everyone else. And trust me, if you want to get your favorite Awkward Yeti cartoon (below) made into a cake because you can’t decide on anything tiered, CakeRocks!!! can do it.

Photo by: Brandi Allyse
Cake (Yes, that’s a cake) by: CakesRock!!
Donuts from VooDoo

5) Experiences > Favors Wedding favors can be a giant waste of money. How many can you think of that you’ve held onto? I really remember three. One was a koozie (from multiple weddings), one was a deck of cards, because the bride and groom met during a card game in college, and one was a photo booth printout of my family. We did a photo booth at our wedding so that the favor could be about their experience there, with people they loved. If you can’t afford that, just create a simple photo backdrop and let people take their own on their mobile phone. If you can’t afford that - DON’T WORRY about a favor. You’re already paying $100+ per person for them to be there and dance and drink and eat. They don’t expect a favor they are likely to throw away before boarding their plane home anyways.

Photo by: Brandi Allyse
Pyramid by: Middle school favorites
Photo Booth by: Innov8tive Imaging
Photo Booth Backdrop by Me & All the Disco Ball Sellers on Amazon

….and we’ll stop there. Stay tuned for Part 2, where I’ll share some gift ideas, reality checks, ways to speed along RSVPs and why you should bring some extra invites.

Tips for Young Managers & Young Entrepreneurs - Part 2

In Part 1, I shared lessons I’ve been taught over the years that I wish I’d known when I hired my first employee. I titled the post “For Young Managers” but realized since publishing that I have worked with hundreds of young businesses over the years and how relevant these tips are for entrepreneurs as well. Starting your own company takes courage and a plan. Growing it, takes leadership. I hope the below lessons help anyone building a team at their company or starting a company from scratch.

I’m going to start with the big, hairy one - that way if you get distracted easily, we at least talk about the big stuff before you go back to your day.

6. Take All of the Blame & None of the Credit

None? None. If you’ve heard of my dad or heard him speak, you won’t be surprised that he’s taught me a few things about leadership over the years. If you know my dad, you know that he’s annoyingly humble, and didn’t get to where he’s at by shouting his own accomplishments - his managers, peers and teams did that for him. This is by far the most powerful mantra he gave me. He told me to replace my "I’s” with “We’s” and if I wanted to gain my team’s respect, I better always have their back. And if it gets to a point where I can’t ethically or morally stomach having their back - then it’s my responsibility to let them go. In the end - it’s on you, as a manager or small business owner to hire, train and fire the right people to achieve your mission. If your team isn’t performing, how can you train them better? If someone on your team screwed up, how could you have helped prevent it? If someone is beyond repair, who do you need to replace them with?

On the flip side, when someone on your team is really killing it, build them up. The quickest way to let the air out of someone’s tires is to make them feel like they don’t own their success. Don’t make your team feel like their success is only due to your sage guidance - otherwise they’ll never feel empowered to move past that, and they’ll never reach the level of performance and independence that will make your team legendary (and your life way easier, by the way). Managing is like parenting, you are now responsible for someone else’s success as much as your own, and you are measured by their success as much as your own. So find every opportunity to build them up, shout their accomplishments from the rooftop - and in the end you’ll also look good, but more importantly, you’ll be a leader worth following.

Ok, but how do I apply that?

Admit mistakes early and often, but own them as a team. Note what you would do differently next time as the leader so your team also feels empowered to admit their failure and what they learned. When talking about a failure or accomplishment of your department or company, use WE more than I. Watch how this influences the way your people carry themselves knowing they’re part of a team, with a strong leader, and not a lone wolf struggling to survive. Foster a Zach Galifianakas-worthy wolf pack.

7. Don’t answer all their questions.

This doesn’t count as much for the first, say, 6 months of employment, but after training, you want your team to come to you with solutions, not questions. Even if it’s the wrong solution. When they ask you how to do something, ask them how they would do it if you weren’t there. Tell them to bring every problem to you with a solution to talk through. Even if they are way off base, you’re developing them to be independent thinkers and you’ll get way less monotony out of your team’s work when you’re not the only one supplying ideas. One of my favorite quotes, shared with us by our company’s EOS Implementer/Leadership Therapist, Ken Dewitt, is “Your job is to create leaders who create leaders.” Whoa. Think about that for a second. You’re not just leading your team. You’re setting the tone for any teams (personal or professional) they will lead in the future. Take that responsibility seriously and challenge them to develop their problem solving skills. Set a goal to be the dumbest person on the team by the time you’re done with them.

Ok, but how do I apply that?

Resist your innate urge to share your opinion and preferences on everything. Reply with “What do you think?” if your team asks you a question but hasn’t shared their own thoughts on it. They’ll know better than to come to you next time without having thought through the problem and potential solutions - and they’ll be excited to know they’ve been challenged to contribute.

8. Get to know their story.

My dad also taught me this one. While leading the world’s most powerful Air Force, his motto wasn’t “Go big or go home” or “Rah rah something macho rah” it was “Every airman has a story.” In his speeches around the world, rallying troops, he told stories of everyday Airwomen and Airmen, doing remarkable things, small and large, in their personal and professional life. He stressed the importance of understanding the context in which your people live their lives - and learning that, before trying to lead them. This doesn’t mean quizzing your team on their childhood traumas or playing Never Have I Ever at the next team lunch - but it does mean taking them to lunch, and taking the time to learn family members’ names, their weekend hobbies, why they like to leave at a certain time every day, and why they chose that photo for their desktop background. The quicker you learn the person behind the employee, the quicker you learn what motivates them, and how to lead them to a shared goal.

Ok, but how do I apply that?

Spend time outside of the office with your team. Take them to lunch on their birthdays, invite them and their significant other over for dinner, remember big milestones in their personal lives that they share (Add it to your calendar! There’s no shame in the reminder game.) Share more about yourself than just how you feel about the company’s latest press release. Remember that you spend more than a third of your waking hours with these people and relationships are hard if you never share. (But always keep in mind #2)

9. Not everyone is an ace, not even you.

If you’re young, and either own a business or have approval to manage a team, you’re probably a high achiever. You probably live at a higher frequency than most others your age, and you know it. However, the reality is, you’re hiring because you can’t do it all. You are not superwoman - so make sure you don’t act like it. When you have a small scrappy team, you want people who are jills-of-all-trades and can tackle anything you throw at them. You will find some of those - the rockstar unicorns you can’t seem to stump even if you try - cherish them, keep them happy. But you will also find those that are really good at a few things, better than anyone else on the team, but maybe not so good at a few other things. Part of being a manager and leader is bringing out the best in your team - cultivating their strengths and helping to minimize their weaknesses. Accept early on in the hiring process that you may have to compromise on hiring for certain skills when you find someone who has something so unique you haven't seen it elsewhere. My dad (that guy really knows his stuff) once told me, when I was struggling to find a new hire, “Make a list of the skills on your team, no need to include names. Then make a list of the skills you feel you’re missing. You don’t have to find a unicorn, you just have to find someone to help fill those gaps.”

Ok, but how do I apply that?
Early on, especially for your first hire, look for a jill-of-all-trades. If it’s just you and one other person, you’ll need someone who can wear many hats. As your team grows, keep looking for the rockstars, but also look for the outliers, the people who may not have all the skills but will bring something entirely new to the team. Hire people you want to learn from, and your team will follow suit.

10. Give and take critical feedback. Often.

Especially if you or anyone on your team work remotely, I can’t stress this enough. Your team will never tell you what’s bothering them if they are not given the opportunity to tell you what’s bothering them. Occasionally you’ll have a honey badger employee who has no qualms telling you what’s bothering them, as soon as it’s bothering them. But most of the time, you’ve hired the overachieving, can-do, wearer-of-many-hats who wants to look invincible and not bug you with the details. So it’s on you to drag it out of them.

Ok, but how do I apply that?
Give your team a structured forum to give you feedback and receive feedback. Put it on the calendar so they know when it’s coming, can gather their thoughts, and write notes for themselves to follow if there’s a tough subject they’re nervous about discussing. Sit down at least quarterly, preferably monthly. Talk about failures, talk about successes, and talk about the path to improvement. Then review it next time you sit down. And don’t let yourself off the hook - ask for feedback, ask what you can be doing better to help them do their job better. Show them how to receive critical feedback and fight the tendency to get defensive. Listen and improve. You can even use an EOS tactic we use in our Quarterly Conversations at my company called the '“One thing” exercise. Share the one thing you admire most about the other, and one thing you need them to start/stop doing.

These lessons aren’t the end-all, be-all, but they would have helped me to learn quicker and earlier in my career. I hope they help other young managers be a leader worth following. Because leadership, not capital, or innovation, or intellectual property, is what builds great companies. If a great idea was the only thing needed to build incredible companies, there would be a whole lot more of them.

Tips for Young Managers - Part 1

When I was 24, I got the best professional gift a one-woman marketing department could ask for - approval to hire some help. I knew nothing about hiring, much less about managing, but I knew I needed help if I was going to make any material growth towards our company’s marketing and sales objectives (if sleeping and eating were to be regular activities in my week). 

Six years later, I’m still figuring it out. I discover an interview question I should have been asking all along, I learn a better way to communicate critical feedback, and my team, unicorns I don’t deserve, is mastering managing-up. But I’ve learned a few things along the way that I wish I could email back in time to my 24 year old self. Since I can’t, I’m hoping this finds its way to other bright-eyed newbs embarking on their first management experiences, wondering how the hell to build their own experience and an experienced team at the same time. 

1. If you let your age define you, so will everyone else.

The first time I interviewed someone ten years my senior, I experienced my first rush of imposter syndrome. Who was I to interview this experienced professional? Why would they want to work for me? What if they are smarter or better than me? I remember calling my brother and admitting I didn’t feel like a “Director” and I wasn’t sure how to fill those shoes. He said something profoundly simple, “You just act like it.” He added other encouragement and flattery about why I was qualified to do my job but his general feedback was to just act like it and watch how others responded. He said, “If you act like a Director, that is how others are going to treat you.” You set the tone for every interaction you initiate - people will respond to what you present. Even if you don’t feel qualified, experienced, or old enough to be hiring and managing, someone feels you are - and that’s why you’re in the position you’re in. Just start acting like it and notice how people respond - you’ll be surprised how quickly that changes your mind.

Ok, but how do I apply that?
Reach out to other professionals, preferably older than you, that have your same title or role. Establish a monthly or quarterly call to share lessons learned and challenges - you’ll gain a mentor, peer and regular reminder of why you’re fit to be where you’re at. 

2. Find someone to complain to. 

Small or remote teams, frankly, get shit done. They are rarely limited by internal bureaucracies, they typically have one clear decision maker to report to and they experiment, fail and iterate quickly to get to what works. However, they typically lack formal management or HR structure that large companies long ago figured out can be critical to employee relationships and communications. When you work with a small team that reports to you, you’ll find yourself complaining out loud about issues your team can’t fix and probably can’t understand in the context of their day to day. As a manager, it’s critical to find someone to complain to, who also doesn’t report to you. Whether it’s someone in your personal life, or someone you can trust at your level in the company, having an outlet lets you blow off steam without inadvertently affecting your team’s morale. Remember you’re essentially a parent - when you’re worried or upset, your team will be worried or upset. Think hard before unloading burdens that you’re paid and entrusted to carry.

Ok, but how do I apply that?

Get access to an organizational chart and make friends. Build trust and rapport with someone who isn’t involved in your day-to-day but operates at a similar level in the company. Be prepared to be their sounding board as well. If your company is so small you’re having a hard time identifying someone, talk to your boss and see if they can help connect you with others in the industry that they trust and who face your same challenges. 

3. Plan ahead for continuing education. 

If you’re a young manager, more often than not you’re at a young company. Along with the previously mentioned lack of HR resources, professional development resources are likely to be slim. It’s on you to get creative about how you continue to improve your tactical and strategic skills and help your team do the same. Get approval on a plan or budget for continuing education before hiring your team. And don’t forget to plan continuing education for yourself as a manager, not just your new team members. Do your research on the options available and the impact continuing education can have on your team’s output. It takes time to move the needle on budget for things like this, start early. The earlier you start asking, the further along you are to getting approval.

Ok, but how do I apply that?

Research all professional development options available, free and paid. Look into professional organization memberships, local and national events, online courses, certification courses offered by the software you use, etc. Ask your team what opportunities they would take advantage of if the company paid for it. Put together a detailed proposal, organized by cost and benefits, and be prepared to negotiate to get it done. And make sure you have a plan to summarize and communicate the value derived from anything that gets approved - so it keeps getting approved in years to come.

4. Admit when you don’t have the answer.

My favorite nugget of wisdom to share with recent college grads is, “Don’t worry, most people don’t know what they are doing.” I may manage a team and marketing budget beyond what I had ever dreamed, but I still enjoy the look on my team’s faces when they ask me a tactical or strategic question and I answer, “I’m not sure. Why don’t you look into that and let me now what you think?” Being a leader does not mean having all the answers. In fact, the most effective leaders I’ve worked with are the most shameless in admitting how few answers they have. They make few assumptions, operate on facts not feelings, and put in the research necessary to make informed decisions. As you embark on leading at a young age, the tendency is to misconstrue my first point about “acting the part” above. Acting the part doesn’t mean pretending to hold all the knowledge, it means leading the effort to gather and sort through information and make an intelligent and forward-thinking decision. By the way, your team will also respect and replicate your transparency and be less likely to lie to you when they don’t know the answer. 

Ok, but how do I apply that?

Practice taking 10-20 seconds before replying to a question you weren’t expecting. Become okay with a decent pause, and not filling it with “Um.” If you still don’t have an answer after that time and feel your mind racing, practice saying, “Let me look into/think on it and get back to you. When should I get you an answer by?” You’ll avoid saying something you regret, and you’ll empower your team to also give thoughtful, data-driven answers. 

5. Get comfortable talking about your mistakes.

This one has come slowly and painfully to me. As a young professional “acting” like you belong among more seasoned professionals - it feels like your image and reputation are constantly under a spotlight. Can the youngin’ hack it? Should she really be running this project? This makes it hard to admit mistakes, especially when you’re working your ass off not to make them. The sooner you get comfortable with analyzing and communicating your mistakes, the quicker you gain respect as someone who can fail and quickly learn from it. 

Ok, but how do I apply that?

Be the first person to speak up when you make a mistake, but make sure you have a solution ready to communicate as well. I’ve even heard of teams who get together weekly to talk through a big “fail” from the week and what they learned from it. Give your best friends a call, ask what they failed at lately, share your experiences and note that even after all that failure, you’re all still alive and employed. Sara Blakely, one of my spirit animals, always notes how her dad would ask them around the dinner table “What did you fail at lately?” so she learned early to get comfortable talking about failures. 

I have several more lessons learned for young managers, but you’ll have to wait until I get some of these wedding thank you notes done!

6 Reasons Camping isn't for Everyone but Camp Kammok Is

I spent the last 48 hours at Reveille Peak Ranch with two friends and a whole lot of strangers at Camp Kammok. Kammok is an outdoor equipment company homegrown in Austin that hosted a weekend in the Hill Country to get people outside. Here are a few reasons you should check it out:

1. Kammok is known for their camping hammocks, and as an awesomely high-quality, sustainable  brand now carried in REI, they have a strong following among dedicated outdoors women and men.  So although Camp Kammok was the best kind of glamping, it still attracted seasoned "I'll devise a tent with this napkin and a paper clip" campers who just love getting outside. I loved that of the +250 people there, there was an incredible mix of people who have never owned a sleeping bag and people who probably have one for each season. Newbies need not be intimidated. Everyone's there to get disconnected from something and reconnected to fresh air.

2. When you go camping with a group of friends, you may get a dog or two. When you go camping with 250 people - you get around 50. All ecstatic to be outside with space to swim and be incredibly cute and pet-able and if you don't like dogs that sleep in hammocks adorably with their owners well I can't help you in one blog post. 

3. Don't like hiking? You can go paddle boarding. Don't like paddle boarding? You can go rock climbing or rappelling. Don't like rock climbing? You can go swim in a quarry. Don't like physical activity of any kind? You can lay in a hammock in the sun or shade and nap to live music. Don't like live music? No problem there's a silent disco with three channels for whatever gets your booty shaking.

4. I only go camping when I know at least one campfire chef will be attending because it sure ain't me. I'm happy to help chop food, get the fire going, or wash dishes, but bulk cooking in one pot where there's little room to mess up is not my forte. At Camp Kammok, local Austin restaurants and caterers like Chilantro, La Pera, EPIC Bar, Wildway served us up every meal. My favorite "I'm feeling fancy" water, Topo Chico, was dethroned by Rambler and Neighbor Coffee Co was waiting for us at 7am like we deserved it.

5. The Kammok staff have hiked the PCT, gone through 90 days of survival training, and still made time to get MBAs at Stanford, among other amazing accolades. But you'd never know it unless you asked - they're just the people in camp-counselor style T-shirts, grilling you burgers, enjoying every second of sharing outdoor space with others.

6. Just moved to Austin and need something to do for the weekend to make friends? Been wanting to take your family on a camping trip but don't know the first thing about putting together a tent without a total meltdown? Needing a weekend out of the city with your college roommates and complimentary Eastciders Cider and Tito's (hopefully not in the same glass)? Single, married, dog-is-your-only-friend, too many kids - there's no excuse. They all made it out and they all walked away feeling better than they came.

Getting outside is a lot like working out - you can often come up with many reasons why you should or shouldn't, but you never regret it once it's done.

You Know You're in Marketing When...

You can't look at a logo without commenting on the font used.

You can't use pre-formatted templates on photo book sites because the lack of customization lights a fire in you that could burn down your apartment complex.

You refuse to click on search results you know are ads as to not charge that company pay-per-click money. (Exception: Unless You KNOW you are going to their website to buy and Adwords deserves the attribution.)

You contemplate clicking on search results you know are ads for companies you don't like.

You've thought so hard about the branding of your wedding that you contemplated a logo.

You stand up and clap at really great product placement in TV shows that aren't blatant or annoying.

You've considered providing an incentive on your wedding invites to get people to RSVP by the due date.

The screenshot folder on your iPhone has way too many screenshots of social media ads you were impressed by and want to remember.

You respond to really great, persuasive marketing or sales emails even if your'e not interested because they deserve an answer.

You refuse to buy anything from a website that doesn't work on your mobile phone.

You refuse to buy anything from a company that doesn't have a website.

You may or may not have installed Google Analytics on your wedding website.

You're marrying someone in sales so that sales guys can never say you don't understand their struggle. 😉

Reasons to Attend Texas A&M's Second Women in Leadership Conference

I read most articles published about women in the workforce, bookmark many and question some. There are many statistics I wish I could verify but here are the stats that stick with me:

• Women make up 51% of the population of the United States.
• Women earn 60% of undergraduate degrees, 60% of all masters degrees, and 38% of MBAs specifically.
• 6% of the S&P 500 are lead by female CEOs. 
• Last year, 8% of films made had female directors. 
• 38% of the world's nations have had a female head of state or government.
• Women earned 82 cents for every dollar men made in 2016.

And here's how I'd summarize those stats:

• There are more of us than men.
• We are very educated.
• We don't lead the biggest corporations influencing our economy.
• Most portrayals of women in media are from a man's point of view.
• The U.S. is not the most progressive country for women in politics.
• We might suck at negotiating salaries, but is that the point?

On October 20th, Texas A&M's Mays Business School and Executive Development Center hosted their first Women in Leadership conference in College Station, Texas. With 400 attendees, they sold out, and had a wait list. The conference organizers said they had no idea they'd have this kind of response. 

I can tell you that I get at least one email a week from Texas A&M University, my alma mater. And most get nothing more than a glance over. Especially the ones asking for donations. I often consider replying with "I think we can consider my monthly student loan payment a long-term donation." But the email with "Women's Leadership Initiative" in the subject line had my immediate attention, mainly due to the statistics I outlined above, and it sounds like it was the same case for at least 399 other women. 

The conference started out with a keynote from retired Air Force pilot Kim Olson. She spoke about her career as one of the first female pilots in the USAF and said women pursuing leadership positions need five types of people in their life:

1) A female mentor, but preferably more of a "champion" who is invested in your success.

2) A female to mentor, who needs someone outside of their organization invested in their success. 

3) People that are completely different from you, find diversity and learn everything you can from them.

4) A friend to share the personal stuff with, keep that out of the workplace and your mentorships (I could debate this one in some scenarios).

5) An enlightened man, because men still influence each other's opinions and actions more than women do, so find the ones who champion women and urge them on.

Olson noted that one of her proudest accomplishments is raising enlightened men who saw their mom in combat boots daily.

The conference continued with a panel discussion, featuring Deb Merril CEO of Just Energy Group and KC Waldron, VP of Advisor Services Compliance at Charles Schwab. They answered prepared questions and audience questions with refreshing candor and a depth of experience.

Merril was a VP at Enron and described the paralyzing experience of being told you have to fire your entire department. It helped hearing that everyone, even CEOs of multi-billion dollar companies, have had significant professional moments they wish they could do-over. She joked about the new company she started with ex-Enron execs and how they all emptied their piggy banks to get started since "Surprise - no one wanted to invest in a group of former Enron execs."

She gave us what I would consider to be some of the best parenting advice I've ever heard. When asked "How do you balance being a mother and CEO?" She answered, "I'm always where I need to be, physically and mentally. Whether that's with my kids or at work - I'm present. And I never apologized to my boys for going to work. I wanted them to know I loved my job. If I apologized every time I walked out the door they'd think I hated work and they'd resent it for taking me away from them. So by not apologizing, they learned to pay attention to what I do, and why I liked it so much. And they are proud of me." She also noted that women shouldn't try to be like the men in the room. She explained how being a woman has unique advantages. When she walks into a room, she said, people notice. "Why not use that? Own that." 

While I can picture Merril taking a boardroom of suits by storm without flinching, Waldron's approach is different but no less effective. Waldron detailed her methodical approach to professional growth and how building relationships has led her to managing the compliance of 7,000 investor advisors around the world. Waldron explained several tactics that have helped her build rapport quickly and move through the ranks of law firms and now Charles Schwab. She sat with her managers and detailed out milestones every year that she needed to hit in order to grow into the next role and she mapped out key leaders within the company she need to establish relationships with and learn from. She also learned that preparing people (especially your managers) for the worst case scenario makes you look prepared if it happens, and like a hero if it doesn't. She left us with one final tidbit "Don't underestimate the power of sincere, specific flattery." 

The conference ended with round table discussions led by attendees like myself who volunteered and submitted a topic. I had the opportunity to discuss how we build a stronger pipeline of women in underrepresented industries with a CPA for the Spurs, a Junior Marketing Major from Texas A&M, a Pharmaceutical Sales Rep, and a City Administrator among many others. We talked about industries like construction and tech who still fall far behind other industries in percentage of women employed and especially in leadership. We talked about starting earlier, before college, in showing girls the options available to them, and breaking the stigma of male-dominated industries before they even pick their majors in college. 

The day felt short and full to the brim. I left feeling empowered, challenged and energized - and slightly guilty I didn't bring every female I know. Luckily, they've already promised there will be a next year. We'll be there, and I'm now inspired to further explore the shortage of women in construction and tech (the industries I work in) in the meantime.

Seeking a Marketing Mentor

When I need cheering up there are a couple things that never fail me: New Girl, Halo Top, and Best of Craigslist.

You can find just about anything on Craigslist. Apparently, you can also post just about anything. Not until recently have I considered turning to Craigslist for something other than a bookshelf.  

You see I'm looking for a mentor, and I'm baffled that I'm not quite sure where to start. 

I began as the first marketing employee at my company, JBKnowledge, and have had the incredible opportunity to grow our marketing efforts. I now get to manage what I would consider the best team on the planet. They're young, capable and hungry. Steve Jobs would approve. 

The only problem is - I'm also pretty young. And I surprise my team daily when they say, "Sounds good, how do we do it?" and I say, "I'm not sure. Let's figure it out."

As a manager and leader, your team often expects you to have 99% of the answers. And 100% of the tools. It's a well kept secret that every manager on the planet has to Google how to do parts of their job at least once a week. 

The internet is the world's best, worst library. It can give you the answers and the tools - but it often lacks the experience. Seeing as it wasn't even around in the time of Mad Men and Donald Draper did not have a Twitter account.

At 29 years old, being responsible for a team of 13 full-time employees and 4 interns is exciting, motivating, and beyond entertaining. It's also terrifying. I often feel like a parent, afraid to screw them up or fail in equipping them with whatever they encounter next in their professional lives. I'd argue "manager issues" can be just as detrimental to an individual's psyche as "daddy issues."

I've had and have incredible mentors at my company. Whether I work with them or for them, or just watch them work, I've learned a great deal about entrepreneurism, product management, software development, sales, public speaking, operations and financial management. Not to say I could do it all, but I've been exposed to some ridiculously smart people doing it well. I'll never stop learning from them. 

But being the head of a department in a young, quickly growing tech company means we've done a lot of self-teaching and as critical as that has been for my development as a professional, it can also be a little lonely. 

So I've realized how badly I want a mentor. Someone who had a role like mine, leading a marketing department, who's had more successes and more failures than me, who's in my industry but not my company. Someone who can share in what I do, but from the outside, so I can learn from and apply their experience to help me grow mine.

So before I resort to Craigslist - here's what I would swipe right for in a mentor:

Preferred Experience in:

• B2B marketing, preferably at a tech company (but will be happy with just one of the two)
• International product marketing 
• SaaS product launch successes and failures
• Lead generation
• Event management
• Public speaking
• Creative team management
• Hiring/recruiting for in-house marketing staff
• Grassroots PR (i.e. getting in the news without having to pay a PR company to call in favors)
• Guerilla marketing (because it's awesome)
• Building viral advertising campaigns
• Competitor analysis

Must Love:

• Numbers (making decisions based on analytics and 'facts not feelings') 
• Nerding out on search engine marketing
• Sharing brilliant memes
• Building a brand that says more than the company name

Responsibilities will include:

• Giving Google a break to answer my occasional "why do marketers do this" questions
• Sharing nuggets of knowledge whenever/wherever they come to mind
• Helping me broaden my network and share my own limited experience
• The occasional coffee + breakfast tacos + brainstorming session (all expenses covered)

Any takers? Know of anyone considering posting a "Looking for Mentee" ad to Craigslist? Forbes says if you want a mentor, don't be a wallflower. I'm hoping a blog isn't the "wall" of the internet, but there's only one way to find out.