This week, I had breakfast with a psychiatrist who specializes in treating trauma and addiction. Her resume is impressive: she completed her medical residency at a top-five medical school and is involved in new research on emerging PTSD treatments. Every day, she helps people heal from and navigate worst-case situations. She’s brilliant, and even she has mom guilt.
Driving home, I laughed to myself about meeting another incredible woman and mom who debates her conscience about her decisions for her kid. It made me wonder if it’s always been this way or if information overload has made us this way. Before mom influencers, did moms wonder if they were doing enough seasonal crafts? Before Ballerina Farm, did moms feel guilty about hating to cook?
I tried to find some research…
Then I asked myself…does it matter? Does it matter if this is a new phenomenon? And do the answers to that inner monologue matter? What I mean is, if the answer is yes, I’m not doing enough, am I willing to change? Do I think I should? If the answer is don’t worry, you’re doing enough, then what?
Sometimes, questions and answers are just sentences with different punctuation. They aren’t indicators of deep issues. They aren’t cryptic analogies for words unsaid. They are simply thoughts that come and go. And sometimes, we need to treat them that way.
There’s a psychotherapy approach called acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and I’m realizing mom-guilt is a perfect candidate for its application. My mom-guilt exists no matter how hard I battle it. It persists no matter how much I do or don’t do as a mom. So maybe trying to eradicate or assuage the mom-guilt shouldn’t be my goal. Watching it move across my thoughts like a stock ticker might be a better solution.
If you’ve ever tried meditation, you know that it’s a practice of mindfulness. It requires being present with your body (I can do that) and quieting your thoughts (I cannot do that.) But I’ve learned over the years that there are a lot of different kinds of meditation, and quieting your thoughts isn’t as essential as accepting them. Our mind doesn’t run wild because we have thoughts. Our mind runs wild because we are constantly judging and battling those thoughts. What if you just observed the thoughts instead, as if you were watching someone else deliver them in a TED Talk? You can reply, “Thanks for that riveting speech, Liz. It was quite dramatic. I see you struggle with mom-guilt. That’s pretty common. It means you care. It’s also biological; we’re built to protect and nurture. It’s probably going to happen again. Now, let’s get back to what we were doing.” I’ve actually said these things to myself out loud before. It’s starting to help.
So, where do I put my mom-guilt? Nowhere. I leave it exactly where it is. I label it, thank it occasionally, and do my best to move on with the business of momming, because that’s hard enough.