One of the best pieces of advice I received while pregnant and asking around about baby books was essentially:
“Don’t read too many. They will make you go crazy with comparison. Instead of living in the moment and learning your unique kid, you’ll live in the “should” and stress about the differences between your baby and this non-existent dream child portrayed in the books.”
I noticed that with the few books I did read, each example they gave highlighted a different baby. Not even the authors could find one baby who checked all their boxes.
So I ran with that advice - any excuse for this fiction lover to avoid reading non-fiction books (and the worst kind of non-fiction, “advice” non-fiction).
Three months into having this adorable and demanding cherub, there are a few things that would have been helpful to me to read during pregnancy. I ended up learning these things through painful practice or word of mouth. So this is my way of paying it forward, in the form of something much shorter than a nonfiction book.
There will be no advice on sleep schedules, pacifiers or nutrition in here - I’m trying to be helpful not controversial. Happy to share my thoughts on those privately but I also believe you can only figure out some things on your own. You have to get comfortable making unilateral decisions for your kid that no one else has to agree with.
So here we go, first:
Don’t Write Other Moms’ Breastfeeding Stories in Your Head
I struggled big time with breastfeeding. I was desperate to understand why, despite having a good milk supply, I couldn’t push through the pain. I’ll never forget the day my baby started choking on my letdown and her mouth was full of blood from my massacred nipples.
“Just keep at it!” People would say. After six weeks of nothing changing I cried to my husband, “Am I the ONLY weakling mom who can’t push through bloody, oozing nipples? Everyone else really just got okay with crying every time they fed their baby?” I couldn’t even wrap a towel around my chest without wincing. I started to believe I was just weaker than every other breastfeeding mom I knew. That’s a bleak mindset, but I accepted it and reached out to those moms for motivation, to try to understand how and why they were so much stronger than me.
What I found instead was that nearly every mom I know that breastfed struggled IMMENSELY with something and had (or still has) a significant amount of mom guilt about it.
One who is successfully breastfeeding her twins now, was unable to breastfeed her previous two children. Before I knew that, the story I had told myself was: She breastfed four babies easily so why can’t I?
Another mom got a tongue tie release procedure done in the first week of her baby’s life and breastfeeding was a breeze after that, but only after that. Not knowing about the procedure, the story I had told myself was: Her nipples were only sore for a week, why are mine this bad after a month? My body must be weaker.
Another mom I thought was breastfeeding easily had to supplement with formula starting at two months due to supply issues. Assuming she exclusively breastfed, the story I had told myself was: Her baby sleeps better than mine because she breastfeeds 24/7 I need to do that, too.
Another mom had no supply or pain issues but just hated breastfeeding. She wanted to know exactly how much food her baby was getting, she dreaded breastfeeding in public and she didn’t want to wear bras with a stupid little clasp anymore. Assuming she was living in breastfeeding bliss, the story I had told myself was, She’s doing everything right, she must love that bonding time with her baby.
What am I getting at? When we put pressure on ourselves to be an effortlessly natural new mom we create these stories in our head of all these other moms we need to keep up with. 1) The only person you need to keep up with is your baby. 2) The most natural part of being a new mom is the struggle.
Here’s my story: Breastfeeding was so painful I had to stop by week three and pump/bottle feed to try to let my nipples heal. When they didn’t heal, I pushed through the pain to breastfeed just at night and bottle feed during the day. Our baby rarely slept and I was convinced it was because I was failing at my duty to feed and console her. I finally got a pediatric dentist consult after 6 weeks to find that Lucy had a significant tongue and lip tie which is why her gums/hard palate were relentless on my nipples and preventing her from latching properly. After 8 weeks, three sessions with a lactation consultant and the tongue/lip tie release procedure, we were able to breastfeed 24/7. Hooray! Right? Well, kinda. I had been pumping too much so now my letdown fire hosed her for weeks until my supply regulated. Once it did regulate, she started refusing bottles and pacifiers she’d taken since her second week of life. She’s still refusing bottles, so that’ll be the next hill to climb. Just because I can finally breastfeed comfortably in public with no pain and no shame doesn’t mean we’ve got it all figured out.
I’m learning that “pushing through” breastfeeding usually involves way more than just a mindset change, sometimes it’s a dental procedure, your baby growing a little, your body healing a little, etc. etc. None of which are entirely in your control, so quit beating yourself up like they are. It’s also okay to pick your battles and say “F*ck this” and switch to bottles and formula so you can focus your energy elsewhere. Remember: your kid will never have to put on their resume how they were fed as a baby.
Other moms may not share every detail of what “pushing through” looked like for them - so don’t fill in the blanks on your own. Instead, share your unfiltered journey next time a new mom asks. Or subtly write a blog post they can read on their own time…