There was a very specific moment that made me decide to see a psychologist postpartum.
It wasn’t while laying in the fetal position (yes, I realize the irony) on the living room floor, even though that happened. It wasn’t when Lucy and I were pacing up and down the hallway at 2am crying hysterically at each other, even though that happened. It wasn’t when someone asked “Don’t you just love every minute?” And I thought, I kind of don’t love any minutes. Even though that happened.
I decided to see a psychologist when my husband said to me, “I’m worried about you. I love this baby, but I loved you first. You will always come first and I need you to care more about yourself right now. I can handle taking care of our daughter while you do that.”
*Cue the flight attendants “put your mask on first” speech.
In my first session with the psychologist, they asked how things were going with my spouse and how our new roles as co-parents were fitting. I told him the only decision in my life I wasn’t currently questioning was whether a better partner existed. I told him my spouse was the one who encouraged me to make this appointment.
He said bluntly, “Wow. That’s not usually what I hear in here. Usually that’s the biggest problem new moms face, communicating with their spouse. We usually spend the whole first session talking about that.”
Look at me, I thought, stumping the therapist.
I felt simultaneously proud for marrying Liam and awful for being depressed while having such a phenomenal partner. But depression doesn’t ask you all the things you’re grateful for before it magnifies everything going wrong.
The next feeling I had was extreme sadness for all the new moms this psychologist talked to who had seemingly shitty partners; or maybe just overwhelmed and unprepared partners; or maybe just partners doing their best but it wasn’t quite enough.
So while I’d love to say this post is just a big ol’ brag on my husband, it’s also to provide advice to partners of new moms. Because you, the partners, can make not just a big difference but THE big difference postpartum.
Think ahead.
I used to plan events for thousands of people. Attention to detail and being overly prepared for every possible scenario was my job. Then I had a baby and it felt like I couldn’t think past the next five minutes, the next feeding or the next diaper change. I would add “the next nap,” but Lucy doesn’t have many of those. Not only was it really hard for me to think ahead, but I also beat myself up daily for the fact that I couldn’t. Luckily, Liam recognized this and would think ahead for me. He’d pay attention to how many swaddles were clean, if we were running low on diapers, if I needed a refill soon of my post-surgery medication. When he saw I wasn’t eating enough he stocked up on healthy snacks from Costco and put them in a cabinet he moved right next to where I often fed Lucy so I could grab them easily. He was figuring out dinner before I remembered to ask what we should do for dinner.
Remind them what their body has done.
Postpartum, it’s hard to not think about how beat up your body is. The pain and fatigue remind you every second. Combine that with entering the 10th month of your clothes not fitting how they used to and you get a mom who is actively avoiding getting dressed and mirrors. Next time a new mom tells you they feel out of shape, remind them that their body just went through the hardest, most miraculous, most impressive process it will ever go through. Remind her that she CREATED A HUMAN, like, FROM SCRATCH. And because of that it’s the most incredible, beautiful body you’ve ever seen. We celebrate women who “bounce back” more than we should - let’s celebrate the fact that they spent nine months creating life and that’s a way bigger deal.
Remember this is a 60/60 commitment no matter who has the “professional” job.
When Liam and I went to pre-marital counseling with the pastor who would marry us, he gave us a really great piece of advice that he said had a huge impact on his own marriage. He said: “Don’t look at marriage as a 50/50 equal partnership. Instead, look at it as 60/60. If you’re both trying to give MORE than your fair share to the relationship every day then you’ll always have an abundance of support and commitment.” If you’re not already doing this, you better figure it out postpartum because no matter who is working the traditional job this baby is equally BOTH of your jobs. Even if one of you plans to stay at home. The parent who stays at home doesn’t get to clock in and out at 8am and 5pm, so neither does the working-outside-the-home parent. If you’re going to keep score, then technically the non-birthing parent should do their day job AND care for the baby for 9 months to even things up. :)
Make sure they talk to someone other than just you.
Even if you’re lucky to have a relationship like I do where you share nearly everything in your head, a new mom will still need someone else to talk to postpartum. Not because their partner isn’t understanding or supportive enough, but because the irrational mom guilt prevents us from sharing some of the thoughts which eat us alive. I can’t recommend an objective third-party like a psychologist enough. I honestly believe it should be required/included to see one for every new mom postpartum. Even if they just use it as a good 45 minute dedicated cry session like I did. It feels good and professionals can handle the weight of your tears and your fears when you don’t want to add them your partner’s barbell. (That analogy is for you, Liam.)
Allow them to say, “This sucks.”
As a new mom it feels incredible selfish and ungrateful to say, “This really sucks.” But it does sometimes - much like many other paths we choose in life. Just because we chose it doesn’t mean it’s enjoyable 100% of the time. Liam was really good about buffering for me when someone would ask “Are you just loving the baby snuggles?” He’d chime in with a snarky reply like, “During the 10 minutes a day she’s not crying? Yes, absolutely.” I was always grateful because it felt like he could joke about that without judgement easier than I could. He gave me permission to tell him how much things suck sometimes, and never reminded me that I “Chose this” or that “This is just what being a mom is.” Another coping mechanism he started was coming up with hilarious nicknames for our baby to get out our frustration. For her first six weeks, Lucy was often referred to as Lucyfer, Velucyraptor, Big Dumb Baby, Cute Little Idiot, Angry Elf, and Gremlin. We treated her with love and even said these names with affection, but it always made us laugh to have an inside joke we could tell her about when she was 18.
Take candid photos and videos.
New moms tend to be the ones behind the camera, or the ones avoiding the camera. Capture photos and videos of them that they’ll cherish some day, even if they tell you “I look awful" in the moment. Also you insisting on capturing photo/video silently signals to them that you never believe they could look awful.
Be the tie breaker between expectations and reality.
Whether it’s breast-fed versus formula-fed or scheduled naps versus sleeping for survival, be the tie breaker between what the mom feels like she should do and what’s best for her sanity. Liam never pressured me to figure out breastfeeding or to sleep train but he did reassure me that he supported every decision I made, unless it was a masochistic one. If he saw me sacrificing my own sanity he’d step in and say, “Hey, Lucy’s college applications won’t ask if she was breastfed or formula-fed so just do what’s best for you.”
I hope this is more helpful than preachy. Liam and I still struggle with a lot of things as new parents but we never argued with each other about roles, responsibilities, or support. And I wish that for more new parents.