The Disneyland Review No One Asked For

We’re not theme park people, but after a rainy day at Disneyland in March, I feel like I understand theme park people a lot better.

Historically, I’ve had a hard time understanding how spending money to wait in line with hundreds of stressed adults and 3X that many wired kids could be fun. The Apple Store on Black Friday, teaching a toddler pottery class, gambling while blind - all things that sound more appealing to me than a week at Disney World.

I’d always say “I’m not judging, but…” when referring to Disney Parks lovers. Any time you have to clarify that you’re not judging, you absolutely are, and I was obviously judging. I wanted to tell them all the ways they could spend the same amount of money while experiencing the real world. And spend way less on food while doing it.

But my brother and his family came to visit us in Southern California for their kids’ Spring Break and we decided to do a day at Disneyland. And I’m shocked how glad I am that we did. It’s not like I’ll be buying an annual pass or going back with Lucy as a toddler (I’m not a complete masochist), but I understand the “magic” of Disney a little better and why it won’t be fading any time soon. As a marketer, I can also appreciate the hustle that creates such a solid brand experience throughout the park. Here’s why Disneyland is worth a day of your time. Give me a couple years before I feel the same about a week at Disney World, though. (Willing to hear arguments for/against, comments are open.)

Never have I ever been to a cleaner public space packed with people.
I was telling a friend how every building, sign and bench at Disneyland looked newly built and she told me (I’ve confirmed online) that certain parts of the park are repainted nearly every night so that every morning the features feel brand new to guests. I also couldn’t find a piece of trash on the ground if I tried. Custodians comb through the streets and walkways at all times at an impressive rate considering the volume of people. You never get the feeling you’re in a public dump like so many other venues where masses of sugared up tiny humans gather.

The employees actually seem to like their jobs.
So many retail, food service, and hourly workers I encounter these days fall into one of two categories. They are doing the job because it’s their best option at the moment OR they are doing the job because it’s their only option at the moment. Few are working those jobs because it’s their preferred option - and that plays into how they feel and act at work every day. I don’t know what employees at Disney get paid, but their attitudes make you think it’s quite a lot. They seem genuinely happy to be there, endlessly patient with the exhausted adults and relentless kids, and overall content to be a part of the magic. Maybe it’s the costumes they get to wear every day? It reminds me of how pumped you’d be as a kid if you got to wear a costume to school. Maybe Congress would do their job better if they could wear costumes more often?

The people watching was worth the cost of entry.
In addition to my 5- and 9-year old niece and nephew we had our 9-month old with us at Disneyland. She obviously couldn’t ride anything, so my husband and I alternated going on rides with the older kids and hanging with the baby. I enjoyed both activities equally because the baby had unlimited things to look and awe at, and so did I. It felt like 100 documentaries were unfolding before my eyes at any given moment. How to parent, how not to grandparent, the behavior of triplets in 30 minute lines, the fastest churro eater in the world, why some kids are scared of teacups, the positions kids can sleep in at their most tired, the matching clothing choices, the shamelessness of parent influencers…I could go on. If I were Disneyland I would definitely list “People Watching” as one of the intangible experiences delivered every day.

The best part had no lines.
My favorite part of the day? The character parade. I love me some Broadway musicals and I love me some Disney/Pixar movies. Combine them both and have them sing and dance their way down the street in front of me while I sit and enjoy an exceptionally large lollipop? Sold. Every human watching that parade, no matter their age, felt like a kid experiencing a cupcake for the first time. Seeing kids dressed like their favorite Disney princess and getting kisses blown to them by that princess in the parade? It doesn’t get much more magical than that.

They’ve thought of everything you didn’t.
Tickets to Disneyland are not cheap. So you try to think of every way to maximize your time there and get your money’s worth. But a lot of the value is in the things you didn’t anticipate, like the clean streets and the people watching, and for me, finding an alternative to breastfeeding in the rain. I’m comfortable breastfeeding in public, but there was a drizzle the first half of our day at Disneyland. So I opened up the Disney app and searched for a nursing room. Instead, I found a free Baby Center complete with the world’s nicest changing tables, a nursing room, a small kitchen with bottle warmers and formula, toddler toilets, high chairs for solid food feeding, and the sweetest older women working there who cooed after every baby that came in. Disney has had many years and lots of revenue to anticipate every need a family could have throughout the day, and they really try to meet them all.

Maybe waiting in lines isn’t the worst thing in life.
I’d rather go hiking than to a theme park for so many reasons: cost, exercise, scenery, cost. But I was surprised that one of my favorite things about hiking and camping can also happen at Disneyland. While hiking, it’s hard to be on a device, you have to watch your step and as the scenery changes you’re trying to take it all in. So you end up chatting a lot - about anything and everything that comes to mind, big and small. I’ve had the silliest and the deepest conversations with friends while hiking or sitting around a campfire with no cell service. The lines at Disneyland present a similar opportunity if you put your phone away and let them. Maybe helping kids experience patience in anticipation for something they really want isn’t the worst thing. Maybe striking up conversation with your 9-year old nephew about how he accidentally went on a rollercoaster will hilariously fill the time spent waiting. Maybe at the end of the day you only ride 5-7 rides but you got to talk to your kid a whole lot more than when they are locked in on their iPads.

I won’t be a Disney vacation planner anytime soon, but I thought this brain dump may help anyone else who is avoiding Disneyland and maybe should give it a shot. Like everything in life, it’s what you make it, and the park gives you ample opportunities to make it a great experience if you choose to.

9 Things to Do in the Airport That Don't Involve Drinking

Thanks to weather, frighteningly vague "mechanical errors," missing pilots and, most recently, a guy being wheeled off the plane with zip ties around his wrists, I have not gone on a trip that did not involve flight delays in at least six months. It's gotten to the point that I apologize to fellow passengers in the waiting area, letting them know that if they are on my flight, there's no way we'll get there on time. I've spent more time than I care to recount in the Austin, Toronto, Denver, and Phoenix airports, to name a few. For the sake of my liver, bank account, and whoever is picking me up at my destination, I've gotten pretty good at passing the time without posting up at the nearest bar. Thought I'd share some of my favorite ways to waste time while you're waiting for the airlines to figure their shit out, find your bags, or find their pilot. 

1) Think of how much money you would have spent on bloody mary's and fried pickles - then go spend half of that in the gift shop. Get something for the first person you'll see when you get off the plane. Or buy a bunch of post cards (and stamps!), write on them and mail them to those family members you never see enough.

2) Spend some time on The Interwebz reading about the airport you're in. You could learn that the Denver Airport might have been built by a secret society to save the human race when Trump announces that the next season of The Apprentice will be starring his entire Cabinet. 

3) Watch the Movies with Mikey review for every movie you've seen, starting with this one. 

4) If you're just starting your trip, make a list of five things that will make the trip successful. 

5) If you're on your way home, review your list of five things so you can make a better list next time. Know that donuts and bars with giant jenga will override at least some of your plans, always. 

6) Download a book on Audible because you always tell yourself you're going to read when you travel and having someone read to you isn't cheating. It's efficient. And much more entertaining if it's Aziz Ansari reading Modern Romance. 

7) Put on some Dustin O'Halloran to give yourself a soundtrack while you clean out the puppy gifs, Crossfit memes, and cringy conversation screenshots in your Photos app. Send half of them to at least one more person before deleting though.

8) Call your grandma, you heathen. 

9) Sit at the bar, order a Topo Chico like the secret hipster that you are, and just listen to everyone else getting hammered, recapping their trips, or calling their grandma. If you don't get some good social media post/blog topics out of it you're doing something wrong. (Fine, so this one involves drinking, but indirectly so you're good.)